this post is more for me than you, but Hi! Welcome!

It's that time again when I need to just stop, think, and type out all of the ideas/projects/tasks floating around in my brain before they crash into each other and start a fire.

I'm overwhelmed but in a good way! I'd always rather be overwhelmed than underwhelmed. First, my new position with H_NGM_N (like us on Facebook!) has exposed me to and connected me with so many talented and inspiring individuals. I am blown away and so thankful to be in contact with these people, to read their work and share it with others. And the more I read, the more I want to write! I want to write all the time! I'm suddenly overcome by ideas for my own work and there's so much I want to do with my manuscript! SO MUCH. I just need to find the time! I'll be sending Packet #3 off in a week and after that have just two left... I'm at the point where I kind of want to tear everything up and make a big mess. Probably that's what is going to happen.

Also, my lecture! At graduation residency I have to give a lecture, and I just got this book from the library that has my ideas exploding left and right... I have a draft of the lecture that my advisor responded to, and I have quite a bit of revision/editing that needs to be done... but need to wait until I have an entire day, a full 8 hours or something, to devote my attention to it.

And photography! I've gone back and forth about whether I should continue with the business, and after photographing a gorgeous wedding this past weekend, I feel confident about continuing the business for now.. I've launched a sister site to my main website, called FOTO, as a way to better promote what I really want to do. I love photographing people but am most interested in fashion and weddings and engagements... so this site is geared towards that. With the photography business, as with most businesses, it's very easy, and tempting, to get caught up in trends. There is SO MUCH you can do with a business, and I found myself becoming wrapped up in the trends, in the blogging and the packaging and all of that, the commercial side of things, when really I'm coming at photography as an artist. I am not a business person. I am an artist, and that's how I need to market myself. The people who dig that will hire me, and that's cool. Photography will never be my full-time career, so I'm okay with not being the most popular or being featured in Minnesota Bride and all of that... BUT, I do have a ton of photo projects coming up! SIX couple/engagement sessions within the next month! And besides Facebook, word of mouth from clients is the best advertising.

On top of all of that, plus some other projects, I just started a part-time job at a liquor store in town. As much as freelancing is awesome because you get to be your own boss and make your own schedule, it's also awesome to be clocked in, knowing you're making money, knowing you will get a paycheck, however small it may be. I've got big dreams and need some money to make them happen! And student loans I'll need to start repaying once I graduate this winter... Yikes.

My "down-time" is the time I get to spend with Evelyn. The past few days here have been crisp and wonderful, and we love being outside! Yesterday we went for a great nature walk, found a "deer castle," played at the park, stood still and breathed in the air...

She's my love bug and keeps me sane, reminds me to look at the pretty pink sky, the moon and the stars...

eco- & wallet-friendly party time!

Today is Evelyn's 3rd birthday, which, for me, is the best day of the whole year. More exciting than Christmas and far better than my own birthday, today is all about my favorite girl, Evelyn Jane. And it's officially summer, and I couldn't be happier about today's weather forecast: 77 and bright blue sunny skies, my favorite kind of day and exactly what I'd hoped for for today.

I LOVE throwing parties. I love planning them, decorating them, and hosting them, yet it's something I don't get to do all that often because we just usually don't have that much time for planned parties. At this age we're still having just a family party (once she attends school I'm sure that will change), and we're so excited!

When I plan and decorate for a party I'm huge on being as eco- and wallet-friendly as possible, which is actually part of the fun. To make our modest living space a bit more festive, we put the leaf in the table and I covered it with a large white lace piece of fabric, which works perfectly as a table cloth when I tie up the ends. This is something I picked up at the thrift store last year for a couple bucks.

Using some of that same fabric and some hemp rope that I've had forever, I made a bunting to hang across our sliding glass doors. I also have these great handmade pinwheels that I got from someone who'd used them for her wedding. She didn't know what to do with them, and didn't want to throw them out, so I said I'd take them. There are quite a few pinwheels so I cut some of them into small triangles that I also added to the bunting.

On our walk yesterday, Evelyn and I picked wildflowers and daisies from throughout the neighborhood (but only the ones that grow close to the road and in bushes where people wouldn't miss them/notice I was taking them!). I have tons of old spaghetti sauce and jam jars that I use for vases, and, to tie in with the bunting, I wrapped the faces with old lace and hemp, and added a cut-out triangle....

I also baked some DELICIOUS lemon bars (I had to taste them!) and this awesome vegan cocoa cake.

And I refuse to use paper plates, so I'm making sure all the dishes are clean, and Evelyn's grandma is bringing a few extra plates and forks just in case we need them.

And I almost forgot--the Thank You cards! The other week Evelyn and I did a mini photo shoot outside, and I asked her to hold a thank you sign I'd made (with black marker and part of a paper grocery bag. I may have bribed her with chocolate.) I ordered wallet-size photos (along with a client's order so I didn't pay additional shipping), and used photo corners to stick the photos onto blank cards that I have. They're also serving as table decoration.

Oh, and for the kids I made my own "Pin the Tail on the Monkey" -- which reminds me, I still have to cut out some monkey tails!

I think I'm a party nerd. That's okay with me.

late night music & thoughts

If Evelyn wasn't sleeping right now I'd be blasting this through my speakers. 

p.s. Tomorrow is Evelyn's birthday, which means that about exactly three years ago at this moment I started going into labor, which, for those of you who have not experienced childbirth, is as unpleasant as all the stories you've heard. But seeing her, meeting her outside my body for the first time... I'm still trying to put it into words. The phrases "truly amazing" and "fucking weird" come to mind... 

Yeah, that about explains it.

on the road...

Damn, it's a beautiful morning. I am such a sun junkie. For real.

Are you celebrating Mother's Day today? I am, and I wish I could describe my mother to you, but I really can't. Not accurately, anyway. She's incredible. Beautiful. I've always been in awe of her, and I still am. And even though I've known her my entire life, I still look at her with a sense of mystery and wonder. She is exotic, yet she is also my home. She's unconventional, yet practical, and a very strong woman. She's made endless sacrifices for her family and children (including moving across the Atlantic and leaving her home country of Germany), yet she also knows how to take care of herself, to do things for herself, to say no. She respects herself, and perhaps that is the greatest thing I've learned from her.

We're celebrating Mother's Day by having brunch with my parents, and then Evelyn and I will embark upon a five-hour car ride across Wisconsin, where we'll be meeting yet another wonderful mother, my dear friend Aubrey! We've been friends since the earliest days of college (so we know each other's pre-mommy selves very well, ha!), and, needless to say, it will be a great week. Photos to come.

This is me and Evelyn last night:

We know how to be sassy, too. This photo is basically saying, "Don't fuck with us." Though, Evelyn doesn't  know how to say that. I don't think.

And here is my mom and I, when I was about Evelyn's age (about 2 months older than she is now), circa 1990:

And with my brother (notice how I'm eyeing the toy he has. It was my Christmas gift. Making sure he doesn't slobber over it too much. Haha).

Be well.

24 hours of alone time starts... now!

24 hours of absolute alone time (minus the four pets) always provokes this anxiety because I'm like omigod i have 24 hours all to myself to do whatever i want and what should i do first?! 

In reality 24 hours isn't that much, especially since I'll sleep for probably 8 of those hours, so that leaves me with approximately 16 waking hours to myself. This is like four times as many as I normally get in an average week, so it's a big deal! 

Hmmmm.... 

Is it bad that all I'm really in the mood to do is watch trashy television and drink a beer? 

awkward haircut story

Going to get a haircut is always awkward. I mean, what isn't awkward about a stranger running their fingers through your hair while you sit as still as you can with a black plastic cape wrapped around your neck hoping your dandruff isn't too bad? And of course small talk is almost always involved, which can be more or less awkward than a silent hair cut, and unfortunately for me I hate both small talk and awkward silences and for all of these reasons I usually tend to avoid getting my hair cut at salons (plus I'd rather spend my money on books and concerts and summer dresses). Besides, it's much more fun to have your best friend put it in a pony tail and chop it off. But that was in the college days. I'm a grown up now and I want my hair to look nice (not that you didn't do a great job Liz!). Thankfully Jason's sister-in-law is good at cutting hair, so I usually have her thin it out every 6 months or so, but today I was bored and Evelyn really wanted to go somewhere, so I took her to the coffee shop in town which just happens to be right next to the hair salon. Lately my hair has been extra unmanageable, dried out and frizzy, so I figured why not get a trim and some layers and kill some time on a Saturday.

Most awkward haircut experience ever. First of all, the woman thought Evelyn was my sister. Ha! If I was older I might take this as a compliment but I'm only 24 and really don't want to look much younger than that! Granted, I was wearing bright blue skater shoes and a t-shirt with neon giraffes wearing sunglasses (both of which I now realize are from the men's section at Target. Is there something wrong with me?), but still.

When I told her Evelyn was my daughter, it clearly didn't change her age perception of me because then she asked, "Oh, so you wanted to come with mommy today? You didn't want to stay home with grandma and grandpa?"

So I look like a teen mom who lives with her parents? This was too funny!

"Do you see grandma and grandpa a lot?" the woman asked Evelyn, who was of course being shy, so I slipped in that yeah, she sees them a lot since they only live 20 minutes away.

It got more weird when the woman asked if daddy was home today. "Do you get to see your daddy?"

Wtf lady? Get out of my personal life, please! Of course, I made things more awkward when I tried to walk out with a bottle of hair product. She'd handed it to me while she was cutting my hair, telling me how great it works for curls, and she said, "Here, you can have that," so I assumed she meant I could have it, as in keep it. I was like Oh sweet, but then when I tried to leave she was like, "Hey, that's the salon's..."

Oops.

But seriously, my sister?

see that nasty tangle of hair?! yuck. 

oh my mama....

Odd times, weather-wise and otherwise. This song and all it's simple beauty was more than enough to move me this morning.




Oh my Mama
She gave me these feathered breaths
Oh my Mama
She told me use your voice,
My little bird

She said sing sing sing sing sing sing melodies
And she sang sang sang sang sang sang melodies

Oh my Mama
She did give me fancy feet
I'll be dancing on
And I'll tap tap tap my toes
Into those creaking floorboards

Oh my Mama
She took my little hand and held on tight
Oh the Mamas
Give the waters of their wells
Oh the Mamas
Give the babies this very dirt we're walking on
Oh my Mama
She gave me these feathered breaths
And your Mama
She gave you those feathered breaths too

And when the sky drops all those feathers
And when the birds sing in the morning
I'll be a mama
I'll have a daughter
I'll be a mama
I'll have a daughter

And I'll give her melodies
I'll give her melodies
(repeat)

And she'll be
My little bird
And then she'll fly
She'll fly

sweet heart

At 6 a.m. I heard Evelyn crying and it sounded like she wasn't in her room. So I got up, and saw that she wasn't in her room, but coming up the dark stairs (all our bedrooms are on the same upper level). Her father was notorious for sleepwalking when he was young, so my first thought was Oh crap, she inherited that gene! because usually she comes in our room first if she wakes up. I calmed her down and put her back to bed.

This morning I asked her if she remembered all of that, and it turns out she probably wasn't sleepwalking, because when I asked why she went downstairs and not in my room, she said, so sweetly, "Because I didn't want to wake you up." And she said she went downstairs to look out the window and see if it was sunny out yet. Aw....  Of course when she realized it wasn't sunny out yet, she got scared about coming up the stairs in the dark.

She just finished her yogurt and climbed into my lap. Have you ever typed with 34-pounds of sweetness curled up in your lap? It's hard. And lovely. But lovelier to just hold her now.

the bright side

At least it's been sunny all week.

And Evelyn's favorite new thing is to whisper I love you in my ear...

My heart flips every time she does.

ever wondered about the moon's mommy and daddy? {conversations with Evelyn}

on the drive home tonight we were very excited about the clear skies and the full moon. look, Mom, stars! 

we're driving and Evelyn asks, "Where's her mommy and daddy?"

"Whose mommy and daddy?" I asked.

"The moon's mommy and daddy," she said, her voice swelled with sincerity, curiosity. 

I didn't know how to answer the question... "I don't think the moon has a mommy and daddy.." I said. "What do you think?" 

She didn't say anything, so I decided to wonder with her. "Maybe the sun is the moon's mommy?" I asked her. "And maybe her daddy is one of the stars."

"Maybe they go on an airplane," she said.

"Who goes on an airplane?"

"The moon's mommy and daddy."

"Oh," I said, "Maybe the moon's mommy and daddy are on vacation?" (me and evelyn's daddy went on an airplane on vacation a couple weeks ago. without her. she's obviously still thinking about this)

"Yeah, they stay in a hotel," she said. Evelyn loves hotels. 

A little while later she says, "They home now, the moon's mommy and daddy."

"Oh yeah? Where's their home?"

"Um...at someone else's house....in Chicago."

So, there you have it. 

seeking opportunity.... the pros and cons

I am always looking for opportunity, and this can be both a good and bad thing. Good because if I'm always seeking opportunity then it's pretty difficult to remain stagnant, complacent, bored, etc. But it can be bad because it can also mean that I overwhelm myself, take on more than I can handle.....

But, I think I'd rather overwhelm myself first and then cut back on things rather than underwhelm myself and feel, well, underwhelmed.

As a full time stay-at-home mom and grad student, I don't have a steady income. Yes, I've started a photography business which has generated some income but most of that has gone back in to the business. Sometimes not having a steady income is frustrating because it means I am dependent on others for finances, and it makes it difficult to save money and make a good financial plan (like I would ever make a plan, ha. I might though).

BUT, the positive side to all of this is that I don't have much to lose and can seek opportunity in places that other people might not be able to....

which I've been doing and will hopefully be able to tell you about oh so very soon!

Until then, I hope you have a GREAT Friday. I found out Jason works until late so it's gonna be just me and E all day. I hope I can entertain her enough! If anyone wants to come over and chill that'd be cool.

where I've been

I've been meaning to blog more but just can't seem to find the time. Last weekend I drove up to Fargo, North Dakota for an engagement session, then hurried back home to see my brother who is on leave from basic training, and have since been editing photos, Christmas shopping, cleaning the house, entertaining Evelyn, and attempting to just keep calm and carry on.... 

I leave for Vermont a week from today (actually, if all goes as planned, I'll be on the shuttle ride from the Burlington airport to campus at this time next Wednesday), and I have some pre-requisite reading and an assignment I need to complete before then....AND, I've been working on the business side of my business, as well, making some changes for 2012, figuring out new prices and practices....looking into the next lens I need for the upcoming weddings this year, etc. etc. etc. 

So those are things I've been doing (or trying to). And then there's the things I want to do more of but can't find time to, like blog (I have lots to share, I really do!), update my personal photos, organize my office space, read something that hasn't necessarily been assigned to me, write write write (poems), and exercise! 

Earlier Evelyn and I were pretending to talk to Santa on the phone, and I told her that Santa said she needs to take a good nap, to close her eyes right away and not get out of her bed during nap time, because Santa knows how important sleep is for her brain (and for Mom's brain! because when Evelyn doesn't nap, Mom feels crazier than usual....)

She's in there now but not sleeping yet. I might have to remind her what Santa said.... and hopefully she listens so I can finish editing the photos from this past weekend.... 

This couple, Meghan and Van, said they wanted something "different," nothing very posed, keeping it natural. I'm all for that so we worked really well together. And I had fun trying out some new things, like indoor  photos at a coffee shop and playing around with reflections and light....below are some of my favorites so far. See part 1 of the shoot here.

to conceive or not to conceive... is that the question?

One of the most common questions I receive as a mother is whether or not we'll have more kids. The answer has wavered from "definitely not" to "probably not" back to "definitely not" several times. Lately, as Evelyn's been repeating that she wants a sister, along with my recent maternity and newborn photography sessions (see above), the thought about whether or not to have another child has crossed my mind several times. It can be a fun idea to entertain -- all the cute little baby clothes, the baby breath, the soft skin, the small hands, the first time she looks into your eyes....the idea of creating human life....

is also fucking scary. It's more responsibility than I can put into words. It's anxiety, stress, guilt. Maybe I'm biased because I had Evelyn when I was only 21--a college student loving her new-found freedom and life--and was not ready for it at all, sometimes still don't feel ready for it.

But don't get me wrong--Evelyn is the most beautiful and most challenging thing that's ever happened to me -- which has made me, and continues to make me, grow exponentially. Which I am so thankful for. Sometimes I feel like people don't understand that not wanting another child doesn't mean you don't want the child you already have. It's because I love her so much that I don't want another one -- I want her all to myself, and I want to give all of myself to her (and poetry and love).

she keeps telling me she wants a sister....

keep calm & carry on...

she has her father's eyes

she looks up to me! oh the pressure.... 

You know, I was doing okay, then suddenly I became frazzled, remembering more and more things I wanted to accomplish before the trip, and suddenly I felt incredibly overwhelmed and out of control. I hate when that happens. And I realized we're pretty much out of milk but don't feel like running to the store again. What happened to the quiet and relaxing yet productive evening I wanted to have? One thing I wanted to get done was clear out some photos, and editing and sharing photos helps relax me. So that's what I did. Even though Evelyn made a huge mess in my office while I was doing so. Which means I should clean it up now..... and then try to remember all the other things I need to do...... 

Big News!

Today we turned Evelyn's crib into a toddler bed. Big deal, I know. But really, milestones like this one make me all "omigosh she 's growing up so fast I can't even believe it she's a TODDLER!"

Not sure if she's actually sleeping in there right now, but as I type this she (and we) are experiencing her first time at least attempting to sleep in a toddler bed (seriously, if she doesn't nap again today.....yikes).

this weekend's theme: RELAXATION

I have a paper to finish and at least two more poems to write by Wednesday, and I could be stressing out about this. I could be stressing out that Evelyn didn't nap today, I could be stressing out that there's a ton of laundry to fold, that I haven't showered yet, that I always feel behind. 

BUT, I'm not. Because although there's all those other things I need to do, I've also done a lot today: last night's dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, litter box, and, most importantly, Evelyn and I went on a walk through the neighborhood on this gorgeous crisp morning, and we stopped at the park and collected leaves for the art project we did this afternoon. 

And tonight? I could hole myself up somewhere to work on my paper, but what kind of a Saturday night is that? I think instead I'll shower, get dressed, and take my two lovelies out for some fine dining and a photo shoot on the beach..... 

Apfelkuchen: poem & pie

Evelyn and I had a lovely evening making an "Apfelkuchen" -- a German recipe that's pretty much like apple pie even though it literally means "apple cake." Not sure if I've mentioned this here before but a lot of my heritage is German -- my mom is German and lived there until we moved to the States exactly twenty years ago this fall, which means I was born in and lived in Germany until I was almost 4. And I actually spoke German before I spoke English - weird to think about....

My mom used to make an apfelkuchen. Not the same recipe Evelyn and I used but it must be pretty close because the smell and feel and taste of the dough bring back so many feelings of nostalgia....fuzzy memories of when I was very young...and I can't help but wonder if Evelyn will have similar memories.....

I don't usually share my creative writing here (which I'll explain another time), but this poem (which I wrote last year and could use some final touches) fits so well:

"Apfelkuchen"

 In a memory I’m not certain is real,

my mother makes an apple cake

for no special occasion. For us.

I am young, but old enough

to reach the counter to slip bits

of raw dough beneath my tongue.

She uses metric measurements—

     are we in Ulm?

 Or is this just her old Kochbuch—

     one of her few pieces of home

     that made it to the other side.

She reads the directions under her breath

like a secret.

Her lips shape syllables

I no longer know. 

my little helper

when I put the lattice on Evelyn said I was "making the apples safe." adorable. 

sneaky sneaky....

And this is where I'm supposed to share the recipe with you but it's freaking long and I don't feel like typing it all out and should really go work on my paper, maybe another day....

good night. 

dream spaces

I'm pretty big on interior design because I think it's important to love the place you live in, to make it yours, to be inspired by your surroundings. And working from home/being a stay-at-home mom makes this especially important to me -- I am home A LOT. I want to like being home. And I do. Although we still have many projects we'd like to do (new flooring upstairs, some painting here and there, fixing the downstairs bathroom...), we've really turned this house around. But, like many people, I still dream....

source unknown

source

source unknown

Such an airy open space would no doubt clear up my all-too-often fuzzy, fuzzy mind....

"...We need space that liberates us from terra firma, 

allowing our spirits to soar and our imaginations to take flight." --John Saladino