this post is more for me than you, but Hi! Welcome!

It's that time again when I need to just stop, think, and type out all of the ideas/projects/tasks floating around in my brain before they crash into each other and start a fire.

I'm overwhelmed but in a good way! I'd always rather be overwhelmed than underwhelmed. First, my new position with H_NGM_N (like us on Facebook!) has exposed me to and connected me with so many talented and inspiring individuals. I am blown away and so thankful to be in contact with these people, to read their work and share it with others. And the more I read, the more I want to write! I want to write all the time! I'm suddenly overcome by ideas for my own work and there's so much I want to do with my manuscript! SO MUCH. I just need to find the time! I'll be sending Packet #3 off in a week and after that have just two left... I'm at the point where I kind of want to tear everything up and make a big mess. Probably that's what is going to happen.

Also, my lecture! At graduation residency I have to give a lecture, and I just got this book from the library that has my ideas exploding left and right... I have a draft of the lecture that my advisor responded to, and I have quite a bit of revision/editing that needs to be done... but need to wait until I have an entire day, a full 8 hours or something, to devote my attention to it.

And photography! I've gone back and forth about whether I should continue with the business, and after photographing a gorgeous wedding this past weekend, I feel confident about continuing the business for now.. I've launched a sister site to my main website, called FOTO, as a way to better promote what I really want to do. I love photographing people but am most interested in fashion and weddings and engagements... so this site is geared towards that. With the photography business, as with most businesses, it's very easy, and tempting, to get caught up in trends. There is SO MUCH you can do with a business, and I found myself becoming wrapped up in the trends, in the blogging and the packaging and all of that, the commercial side of things, when really I'm coming at photography as an artist. I am not a business person. I am an artist, and that's how I need to market myself. The people who dig that will hire me, and that's cool. Photography will never be my full-time career, so I'm okay with not being the most popular or being featured in Minnesota Bride and all of that... BUT, I do have a ton of photo projects coming up! SIX couple/engagement sessions within the next month! And besides Facebook, word of mouth from clients is the best advertising.

On top of all of that, plus some other projects, I just started a part-time job at a liquor store in town. As much as freelancing is awesome because you get to be your own boss and make your own schedule, it's also awesome to be clocked in, knowing you're making money, knowing you will get a paycheck, however small it may be. I've got big dreams and need some money to make them happen! And student loans I'll need to start repaying once I graduate this winter... Yikes.

My "down-time" is the time I get to spend with Evelyn. The past few days here have been crisp and wonderful, and we love being outside! Yesterday we went for a great nature walk, found a "deer castle," played at the park, stood still and breathed in the air...

She's my love bug and keeps me sane, reminds me to look at the pretty pink sky, the moon and the stars...

Come On All You Ghosts....

This is the name of the book I've been reading this week, by the incredible Matthew Zapruder. Usually when I really love a book I devour it as fast as I can, but this book is so fucking good, so rich, that I find myself reading it slowly, bit by bit, savoring each poem as long as I can, because I never want the book to be over.

today my mouth
is an artificial lake
I'm too tired to swim across

I can't believe it's already September. Besides reading Come On All You Ghosts I've also been writing my ass off, averaging a new poem every other day, constantly revising both these new and old poems, constantly talking to myself in my head. And what's different this semester is that I actually have a working manuscript. With a title. With sections. With a six-page title poem in the middle. In a way I've been writing my first book since I began writing at all, but for the first time I feel like I'm writing my first book. Like, I tell people, yeah, I'm writing my first book! Of course, for it to be a book someone has to want to publish it, but we'll save that talk for 2013...or 14? I have no idea.

In other news, my friend Drew is doing cool things over at Tin House and Poor Claudia; my friend and VCFA roommate Emmalea is preparing the third issue of em:me  magazine; and the other day I got an email that one of my poems is going to be published in the next issue of The Coachella Review.

Oh, and in July I was asked to join the newly established literary magazine, Split Rock Review, as a contributing reader, which so far has been a very cool experience.  Things are happening.

And a really big thing that's happening:: Evelyn started preschool on Tuesday! A super awesome Montessori school with local art on the walls and plants and beautiful things all around. She loves going there, which I love.

My heart feels like a field of calves in the sun.
My heart is wired directly to the power source of mediocre songs.
I am trying to catch a ray of sunlight in my mouth. 

(also Zapruder. Go buy his book.)

conversations with Evelyn: wishes, the moon, and tea party toasts

Three treasures to share with you...

#1 Yesterday Evelyn and I were having dinner when I pulled an eyelash from her cheek and told her to make a wish. She closed her eyes and blew the eyelash off my finger.

I asked her if she made a wish and she said, "I think so," then, after a brief pause, "What do I make wishes with?"

I laughed, realizing she was thinking of wishes as a material thing, something to make with her hands, like an art project or a cake. I told her that you use your head and heart to make a wish. 

But my explanation was, of course, insufficient (she seems to think more and more of my explanations are insufficient. I give it six months before she comes to the very true conclusion that Mom doesn't know much of anything. Ha!). She persisted, "But how do I make wishes?"

I tried again: "You think of something you really really want."

"Oh, you mean like when you want to go somewhere?"

"Yes," I said. "Exactly like that."

#2 Later in the evening, after we came inside and started to get ready for bed, I was about to close the blinds in my room when Evelyn, from the hallway, gasps and says, "Look Mommy!"

"What?!" I said, startled by her sudden exclamation. 

"Look at the moon! It's yellow!"

And sure enough, there was the moon, full and golden above the silhouette of trees across the street, and to think I was just about to close the blinds without even seeing it, lost in thought like I am too much of the time. 

"Yes, it is yellow!" I said to Evelyn.

She clasped her hands in excitement and said, "Oh, it's so pretty!!"

And my heart did that melting thing it does whenever she says things that makes me feel like she'll be okay in the world... 

#3 This afternoon we were having a "tea party" (her play cups filled with water), and I asked, "What should we toast to--you feeling better?" (We've both been sick this week). 

And she said, "No...to the world!!"

Seriously, who is this girl?

Then she took a sip and said, "And to all your friends."

That means you!

eco- & wallet-friendly party time!

Today is Evelyn's 3rd birthday, which, for me, is the best day of the whole year. More exciting than Christmas and far better than my own birthday, today is all about my favorite girl, Evelyn Jane. And it's officially summer, and I couldn't be happier about today's weather forecast: 77 and bright blue sunny skies, my favorite kind of day and exactly what I'd hoped for for today.

I LOVE throwing parties. I love planning them, decorating them, and hosting them, yet it's something I don't get to do all that often because we just usually don't have that much time for planned parties. At this age we're still having just a family party (once she attends school I'm sure that will change), and we're so excited!

When I plan and decorate for a party I'm huge on being as eco- and wallet-friendly as possible, which is actually part of the fun. To make our modest living space a bit more festive, we put the leaf in the table and I covered it with a large white lace piece of fabric, which works perfectly as a table cloth when I tie up the ends. This is something I picked up at the thrift store last year for a couple bucks.

Using some of that same fabric and some hemp rope that I've had forever, I made a bunting to hang across our sliding glass doors. I also have these great handmade pinwheels that I got from someone who'd used them for her wedding. She didn't know what to do with them, and didn't want to throw them out, so I said I'd take them. There are quite a few pinwheels so I cut some of them into small triangles that I also added to the bunting.

On our walk yesterday, Evelyn and I picked wildflowers and daisies from throughout the neighborhood (but only the ones that grow close to the road and in bushes where people wouldn't miss them/notice I was taking them!). I have tons of old spaghetti sauce and jam jars that I use for vases, and, to tie in with the bunting, I wrapped the faces with old lace and hemp, and added a cut-out triangle....

I also baked some DELICIOUS lemon bars (I had to taste them!) and this awesome vegan cocoa cake.

And I refuse to use paper plates, so I'm making sure all the dishes are clean, and Evelyn's grandma is bringing a few extra plates and forks just in case we need them.

And I almost forgot--the Thank You cards! The other week Evelyn and I did a mini photo shoot outside, and I asked her to hold a thank you sign I'd made (with black marker and part of a paper grocery bag. I may have bribed her with chocolate.) I ordered wallet-size photos (along with a client's order so I didn't pay additional shipping), and used photo corners to stick the photos onto blank cards that I have. They're also serving as table decoration.

Oh, and for the kids I made my own "Pin the Tail on the Monkey" -- which reminds me, I still have to cut out some monkey tails!

I think I'm a party nerd. That's okay with me.

late night music & thoughts

If Evelyn wasn't sleeping right now I'd be blasting this through my speakers. 

p.s. Tomorrow is Evelyn's birthday, which means that about exactly three years ago at this moment I started going into labor, which, for those of you who have not experienced childbirth, is as unpleasant as all the stories you've heard. But seeing her, meeting her outside my body for the first time... I'm still trying to put it into words. The phrases "truly amazing" and "fucking weird" come to mind... 

Yeah, that about explains it.

the new lens!

I did end up getting my new lens yesterday (a 35mm/1.8 for anyone who cares), and Evelyn and I have been having some fun with it. This might be my favorite picture I've ever taken. I wanna blow it up huge and put it in a white frame in the living room or something.

Visit my photo blog to see the rest of the photos from our little session.

Also, I read a lot of Frank O'Hara today, who is absolutely incredible. All the colors and the splashing in these photos remind me of him. Here's his poem, "My Heart:"

I'm not going to cry all the time
nor shall I laugh all the time,
I don't prefer one "strain" to another.
I'd have the immediacy of a bad movie,
not just a sleeper, but also the big,
overproduced first-run kind. I want to be
at least as alive as the vulgar. And if
some aficionado of my mess says "That's
not like Frank!", all to the good! I
don't wear brown and grey suits all the time,
do I? No. I wear workshirts to the opera,
often. I want my feet to be bare,
I want my face to be shaven, and my heart-
-you can't plan on the heart, but
the better part of it, my poetry, is open.

me & my girl

I want to always be so close to her.

awkward haircut story

Going to get a haircut is always awkward. I mean, what isn't awkward about a stranger running their fingers through your hair while you sit as still as you can with a black plastic cape wrapped around your neck hoping your dandruff isn't too bad? And of course small talk is almost always involved, which can be more or less awkward than a silent hair cut, and unfortunately for me I hate both small talk and awkward silences and for all of these reasons I usually tend to avoid getting my hair cut at salons (plus I'd rather spend my money on books and concerts and summer dresses). Besides, it's much more fun to have your best friend put it in a pony tail and chop it off. But that was in the college days. I'm a grown up now and I want my hair to look nice (not that you didn't do a great job Liz!). Thankfully Jason's sister-in-law is good at cutting hair, so I usually have her thin it out every 6 months or so, but today I was bored and Evelyn really wanted to go somewhere, so I took her to the coffee shop in town which just happens to be right next to the hair salon. Lately my hair has been extra unmanageable, dried out and frizzy, so I figured why not get a trim and some layers and kill some time on a Saturday.

Most awkward haircut experience ever. First of all, the woman thought Evelyn was my sister. Ha! If I was older I might take this as a compliment but I'm only 24 and really don't want to look much younger than that! Granted, I was wearing bright blue skater shoes and a t-shirt with neon giraffes wearing sunglasses (both of which I now realize are from the men's section at Target. Is there something wrong with me?), but still.

When I told her Evelyn was my daughter, it clearly didn't change her age perception of me because then she asked, "Oh, so you wanted to come with mommy today? You didn't want to stay home with grandma and grandpa?"

So I look like a teen mom who lives with her parents? This was too funny!

"Do you see grandma and grandpa a lot?" the woman asked Evelyn, who was of course being shy, so I slipped in that yeah, she sees them a lot since they only live 20 minutes away.

It got more weird when the woman asked if daddy was home today. "Do you get to see your daddy?"

Wtf lady? Get out of my personal life, please! Of course, I made things more awkward when I tried to walk out with a bottle of hair product. She'd handed it to me while she was cutting my hair, telling me how great it works for curls, and she said, "Here, you can have that," so I assumed she meant I could have it, as in keep it. I was like Oh sweet, but then when I tried to leave she was like, "Hey, that's the salon's..."

Oops.

But seriously, my sister?

see that nasty tangle of hair?! yuck. 

rainy days are good for bowling

It's been raining all week and I know it's good for the earth and all but I really can't stand much rain. It makes me sleepy. Makes my bones hurt. But at least the grass is turning green, and rainy days are good for bowling. Today was Evelyn's first time! She loved it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I love bowling shoes. If you go bowling with me I will probably take a picture of your shoes.

Also, rainy days are good for tea. I'm having ginger tea right now. My stomach loves me for it. 

sweet heart

At 6 a.m. I heard Evelyn crying and it sounded like she wasn't in her room. So I got up, and saw that she wasn't in her room, but coming up the dark stairs (all our bedrooms are on the same upper level). Her father was notorious for sleepwalking when he was young, so my first thought was Oh crap, she inherited that gene! because usually she comes in our room first if she wakes up. I calmed her down and put her back to bed.

This morning I asked her if she remembered all of that, and it turns out she probably wasn't sleepwalking, because when I asked why she went downstairs and not in my room, she said, so sweetly, "Because I didn't want to wake you up." And she said she went downstairs to look out the window and see if it was sunny out yet. Aw....  Of course when she realized it wasn't sunny out yet, she got scared about coming up the stairs in the dark.

She just finished her yogurt and climbed into my lap. Have you ever typed with 34-pounds of sweetness curled up in your lap? It's hard. And lovely. But lovelier to just hold her now.

i think this counts as visual poetry....

the bright side

At least it's been sunny all week.

And Evelyn's favorite new thing is to whisper I love you in my ear...

My heart flips every time she does.

bookworm

ever wondered about the moon's mommy and daddy? {conversations with Evelyn}

on the drive home tonight we were very excited about the clear skies and the full moon. look, Mom, stars! 

we're driving and Evelyn asks, "Where's her mommy and daddy?"

"Whose mommy and daddy?" I asked.

"The moon's mommy and daddy," she said, her voice swelled with sincerity, curiosity. 

I didn't know how to answer the question... "I don't think the moon has a mommy and daddy.." I said. "What do you think?" 

She didn't say anything, so I decided to wonder with her. "Maybe the sun is the moon's mommy?" I asked her. "And maybe her daddy is one of the stars."

"Maybe they go on an airplane," she said.

"Who goes on an airplane?"

"The moon's mommy and daddy."

"Oh," I said, "Maybe the moon's mommy and daddy are on vacation?" (me and evelyn's daddy went on an airplane on vacation a couple weeks ago. without her. she's obviously still thinking about this)

"Yeah, they stay in a hotel," she said. Evelyn loves hotels. 

A little while later she says, "They home now, the moon's mommy and daddy."

"Oh yeah? Where's their home?"

"Um...at someone else's house....in Chicago."

So, there you have it. 

some kids' parents!

Lately on Fridays Evelyn and I have been attending Toddler Time at a nearby library. This library is decently stocked for being a smaller town, they have a big kids section with little tables and chairs, and Toddler Time is a free half-hour program for toddlers and their parents--it's 20 minutes of stories and songs followed by a little art project.

Evelyn loves it, and of course I love spending this time with her, but today the room was packed (usually it's like 6 or 7 kids, today it was at least double. At least.), with parents who don't care to discipline their very disruptive children! This is story time people, not gymnastics! Tell your obnoxious children to sit on their carpet squares and pay attention to the nice lady with the books (like my little girl, look how nice she's sitting!), and if they continue to not listen then you should probably leave because you're ruining it for others!

Also, it should be noted that this half hour is for children between 18 months and 3 years. They have other classes for children who fall outside of this age range, both younger and older. TAKE YOUR CHILDREN TO THE APPROPRIATE CLASS.  One mom brought her two children, neither of which were the appropriate age--her daughter who was too young (I even overheard her say "she's too young to even be in this class"-- then wtf did you bring her?!) was crawling all over the place and on the brink of a tantrum, while her son, who had to be almost 4, kept standing right in front, jumping around and doing handstands, and kicked another little girl in the head (I am not exaggerating!)--totally blocking Evelyn's view, by the way, and just being really disruptive and disrespectful to everyone else in the room.

A few times the mom told him to sit down, but he didn't listen. And she told him to sit down. And he didn't listen. And this went on the entire time.

I understand that not all kids are like Evelyn and able to sit calmly through story time, and while it's great to see so many people bringing their kids to the library, if your child is treating story time like it's the playground, and refuses to listen to you, it's probably best to leave.

I don't know, but if that was my kid I would have left. 

Evelyn saw some of the other kids standing up (plenty of others were sitting nice), and so she stood up too but I right away told her that she has to sit down until the story is done so that the kids behind her can see the pictures too. And she sat right down.

On a totally unrelated note, on the way home we stopped at the grocery store in town where we had our first ever experience of a power outage while grocery shopping. Maybe all the heavy snow knocked down a power line or something? And for some reason the generators didn't kick on. Evelyn and I snacked on some donut and cookie samples in the dark. Yum yum!

Evelyn is writing!

Most toddlers love to scribble, and Evelyn is no exception. But last night was the first time she did more than scribble--she said, "I'm making an O, like in the book," and indeed she was making o's all over her magnetic drawing board, just like in the book we got from the library last week, which gave examples of words that use the "oo" sound.

My heart was bursting with pride and joy, and excitement for her! All the wonderful things she's discovering...

And then, to top it off, she said, "Look, I made an E!" and while I think she made this E by accident (see the last photo--I was across from her so that's why it looks upside down), she right away recognized it as the letter E, which we've talked about a lot since it's her letter.

Yay!

things to put in the scrapbook

moody