to conceive or not to conceive... is that the question?

One of the most common questions I receive as a mother is whether or not we'll have more kids. The answer has wavered from "definitely not" to "probably not" back to "definitely not" several times. Lately, as Evelyn's been repeating that she wants a sister, along with my recent maternity and newborn photography sessions (see above), the thought about whether or not to have another child has crossed my mind several times. It can be a fun idea to entertain -- all the cute little baby clothes, the baby breath, the soft skin, the small hands, the first time she looks into your eyes....the idea of creating human life....

is also fucking scary. It's more responsibility than I can put into words. It's anxiety, stress, guilt. Maybe I'm biased because I had Evelyn when I was only 21--a college student loving her new-found freedom and life--and was not ready for it at all, sometimes still don't feel ready for it.

But don't get me wrong--Evelyn is the most beautiful and most challenging thing that's ever happened to me -- which has made me, and continues to make me, grow exponentially. Which I am so thankful for. Sometimes I feel like people don't understand that not wanting another child doesn't mean you don't want the child you already have. It's because I love her so much that I don't want another one -- I want her all to myself, and I want to give all of myself to her (and poetry and love).