this post is more for me than you, but Hi! Welcome!

It's that time again when I need to just stop, think, and type out all of the ideas/projects/tasks floating around in my brain before they crash into each other and start a fire.

I'm overwhelmed but in a good way! I'd always rather be overwhelmed than underwhelmed. First, my new position with H_NGM_N (like us on Facebook!) has exposed me to and connected me with so many talented and inspiring individuals. I am blown away and so thankful to be in contact with these people, to read their work and share it with others. And the more I read, the more I want to write! I want to write all the time! I'm suddenly overcome by ideas for my own work and there's so much I want to do with my manuscript! SO MUCH. I just need to find the time! I'll be sending Packet #3 off in a week and after that have just two left... I'm at the point where I kind of want to tear everything up and make a big mess. Probably that's what is going to happen.

Also, my lecture! At graduation residency I have to give a lecture, and I just got this book from the library that has my ideas exploding left and right... I have a draft of the lecture that my advisor responded to, and I have quite a bit of revision/editing that needs to be done... but need to wait until I have an entire day, a full 8 hours or something, to devote my attention to it.

And photography! I've gone back and forth about whether I should continue with the business, and after photographing a gorgeous wedding this past weekend, I feel confident about continuing the business for now.. I've launched a sister site to my main website, called FOTO, as a way to better promote what I really want to do. I love photographing people but am most interested in fashion and weddings and engagements... so this site is geared towards that. With the photography business, as with most businesses, it's very easy, and tempting, to get caught up in trends. There is SO MUCH you can do with a business, and I found myself becoming wrapped up in the trends, in the blogging and the packaging and all of that, the commercial side of things, when really I'm coming at photography as an artist. I am not a business person. I am an artist, and that's how I need to market myself. The people who dig that will hire me, and that's cool. Photography will never be my full-time career, so I'm okay with not being the most popular or being featured in Minnesota Bride and all of that... BUT, I do have a ton of photo projects coming up! SIX couple/engagement sessions within the next month! And besides Facebook, word of mouth from clients is the best advertising.

On top of all of that, plus some other projects, I just started a part-time job at a liquor store in town. As much as freelancing is awesome because you get to be your own boss and make your own schedule, it's also awesome to be clocked in, knowing you're making money, knowing you will get a paycheck, however small it may be. I've got big dreams and need some money to make them happen! And student loans I'll need to start repaying once I graduate this winter... Yikes.

My "down-time" is the time I get to spend with Evelyn. The past few days here have been crisp and wonderful, and we love being outside! Yesterday we went for a great nature walk, found a "deer castle," played at the park, stood still and breathed in the air...

She's my love bug and keeps me sane, reminds me to look at the pretty pink sky, the moon and the stars...

Come On All You Ghosts....

This is the name of the book I've been reading this week, by the incredible Matthew Zapruder. Usually when I really love a book I devour it as fast as I can, but this book is so fucking good, so rich, that I find myself reading it slowly, bit by bit, savoring each poem as long as I can, because I never want the book to be over.

today my mouth
is an artificial lake
I'm too tired to swim across

I can't believe it's already September. Besides reading Come On All You Ghosts I've also been writing my ass off, averaging a new poem every other day, constantly revising both these new and old poems, constantly talking to myself in my head. And what's different this semester is that I actually have a working manuscript. With a title. With sections. With a six-page title poem in the middle. In a way I've been writing my first book since I began writing at all, but for the first time I feel like I'm writing my first book. Like, I tell people, yeah, I'm writing my first book! Of course, for it to be a book someone has to want to publish it, but we'll save that talk for 2013...or 14? I have no idea.

In other news, my friend Drew is doing cool things over at Tin House and Poor Claudia; my friend and VCFA roommate Emmalea is preparing the third issue of em:me  magazine; and the other day I got an email that one of my poems is going to be published in the next issue of The Coachella Review.

Oh, and in July I was asked to join the newly established literary magazine, Split Rock Review, as a contributing reader, which so far has been a very cool experience.  Things are happening.

And a really big thing that's happening:: Evelyn started preschool on Tuesday! A super awesome Montessori school with local art on the walls and plants and beautiful things all around. She loves going there, which I love.

My heart feels like a field of calves in the sun.
My heart is wired directly to the power source of mediocre songs.
I am trying to catch a ray of sunlight in my mouth. 

(also Zapruder. Go buy his book.)

24: photo diary

some photos from yesterday evening, before Laura and I headed out to see Edward Sharpe & the Magnetic Zeroes.... (more of that to come)

"But friendship is the breathing rose, with sweets in every fold...."

--Oliver Wendell Holmes

RED

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So... I've always wanted to know what I would look like with red hair. I have naturally red undertones in my hair, pale skin that doesn't really burn, blue/green eyes...

And... it looks okay. I dyed my hair myself (eek!), which was really hard to do because I have a lot of fucking hair. Like, a lot. I had to use two boxes. And those chemicals are probably terrible for my body, and the earth, but damn, sometimes I just have to act on my impulses to keep from going crazy.

I can't decide if I like it. We'll see.

What's going on in your corner of the world?! Here it's been raining like mad for over a day, which was okay at first but now it's depressing me. I need some sun and luckily tomorrow calls for it. Edward Sharpe concert in Minneapolis tomorrow night!

home

I've grown to believe that I can make a home almost anywhere, as long as I have the means to make it my own. While I was growing up my dad was in the Army, so we moved a lot, and while I wasn't always happy about it, now I'm so thankful for all of those experiences and opportunities to grow. I've made homes in many places, and while they've all been different, they've all been mine. Meaning, I've felt comfortable, "at home," in all of them. I think moving a lot has taught me firsthand that, yes, the world can be a scary place (especially when you're the awkward new kid in 4th grade!), but the more you experience the world the less scary it becomes. Or maybe it becomes more scary, but somehow you're able to venture further into it on your own... As an adult, I'm addicted to exploring new places, big and small. I have this mental image of myself standing on a map of the world, and there is so much unexplored territory, but every time I venture somewhere new my map becomes a little more colorful, and I become a bit brighter, more alive.

At the same time, I love making my home a home. Some snapshots from now.

my amazing lunch and a tribute to Dr. Gregory House

Today my lunch was so delicious that I have to tell you about it, and I knew it was going to be delicious so I took a picture before I ate it.

Ingredients:

mixed spring greens

cucumber slices

crumbled feta cheese

honey roasted sunflower seeds

raspberry vinaigrette

It. Was. So. Good.

On a sad note, tonight is the SERIES FINALE of House, the only television show I really care about watching. Because it's always on when Evelyn is still awake, Jason and I usually watch it Tuesdays on Hulu. Our obsession with this show began one rainy weekend when I was pregnant and Jason was sick. His parents were gone and we sat in his loft for 8 hours (no lie), and watched the House marathon that was on USA or FX or some cable channel like that.  Ever since then we've watched every single episode, as far as I know, and I can't believe it's going to be over! It's crazy how these characters begin to feel like real people!

If I was ever traumatically ill, I'd definitely want House to be my doctor.

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What a fox! And he's really fucking smart. And an atheist. What more could a girl want? Ha. Let's look at some quotes!

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"Everybody does stupid things, it shouldn't cost them everything they want in life."


"It's one of the great tragedies of life — something always changes."


"Our bodies break down, sometimes when we're 90, sometimes before we're even born, but it always happens and there's never any dignity in it. I don't care if you can walk, see, wipe your own ass. It's always ugly. Always. You can live with dignity, we can't die with it."

Good-bye, House. 

Waaaaaa.... 

STARS

on the road...

Damn, it's a beautiful morning. I am such a sun junkie. For real.

Are you celebrating Mother's Day today? I am, and I wish I could describe my mother to you, but I really can't. Not accurately, anyway. She's incredible. Beautiful. I've always been in awe of her, and I still am. And even though I've known her my entire life, I still look at her with a sense of mystery and wonder. She is exotic, yet she is also my home. She's unconventional, yet practical, and a very strong woman. She's made endless sacrifices for her family and children (including moving across the Atlantic and leaving her home country of Germany), yet she also knows how to take care of herself, to do things for herself, to say no. She respects herself, and perhaps that is the greatest thing I've learned from her.

We're celebrating Mother's Day by having brunch with my parents, and then Evelyn and I will embark upon a five-hour car ride across Wisconsin, where we'll be meeting yet another wonderful mother, my dear friend Aubrey! We've been friends since the earliest days of college (so we know each other's pre-mommy selves very well, ha!), and, needless to say, it will be a great week. Photos to come.

This is me and Evelyn last night:

We know how to be sassy, too. This photo is basically saying, "Don't fuck with us." Though, Evelyn doesn't  know how to say that. I don't think.

And here is my mom and I, when I was about Evelyn's age (about 2 months older than she is now), circa 1990:

And with my brother (notice how I'm eyeing the toy he has. It was my Christmas gift. Making sure he doesn't slobber over it too much. Haha).

Be well.

if you work for UPS...

you need to triple check the damn addresses you're delivering to! Or at least double check. Especially when you're delivering expensive, fragile items that need to be signed for.

You see, I've ordered a new lens for my camera, and it was scheduled to be delivered yesterday. I was planning on being home except I had to bring Evelyn to her playgroup in the morning, and we ended up just missing the delivery. I got a note saying a second attempt would be made for today, between 10:30 and 2. So Evelyn and I have not had any plans all day. We didn't even go for our usual walk because I wanted to be sure to be here to sign for my lens. Well then the dogs start barking and I see a UPS truck go by, as if it'd just stopped at our neighbor's house. Hmmm, that's weird, I thought. So I went to the neighbor's front door, knowing they were both at work, and I see a note on their door that a second attempt had been made to deliver a package. I took the note and looked up the tracking number, and sure enough, it's my package! I know mistakes happen but this is just carelessness. Double-check the address and this wouldn't happen! Now my lens is still bumping along in some truck, when it could have been in my hands, already put to good, beautiful use...

I called UPS and asked if they could send the truck back out here today because I purposely made no plans and don't want to have to sit around here again to wait for it tomorrow. Now I'm waiting on a phone call from them.

Gah, just had to vent.

it's the little things....

that get me through the day. like fresh-from-the-oven peach crisp and coffee from a mug made in germany...

the only thing missing is ice cream!

"However vast the darkness, we must supply our own light."

A poet friend just posted this on Facebook and it's exactly what I needed (that and hollow milk chocolate Easter eggs). And, interestingly, that bit at the end about light and dark fits perfectly with my critical thesis. In my thesis I approach poetry through the lens of literal light and dark as used in photography, which leads to metaphorical forms of light and dark... Both light and dark are necessary...it's the darkness that's inevitable, and it's light that we have to make. One way I make light is writing. Another is friends. I think I would like to have more friends.

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letters from friends

It's amazing how friends can brighten your day even when they're thousands of miles away... we're all under the same moon tonight.

xo.

24 hours of alone time starts... now!

24 hours of absolute alone time (minus the four pets) always provokes this anxiety because I'm like omigod i have 24 hours all to myself to do whatever i want and what should i do first?! 

In reality 24 hours isn't that much, especially since I'll sleep for probably 8 of those hours, so that leaves me with approximately 16 waking hours to myself. This is like four times as many as I normally get in an average week, so it's a big deal! 

Hmmmm.... 

Is it bad that all I'm really in the mood to do is watch trashy television and drink a beer? 

rilke begs me...