This past April Evelyn's great-grandfather passed away. He would have been 80 tomorrow, and while his health had been deteriorating fairly quickly these past few years, I don't think anyone in the family expected him to go that soon. He was a very loved man, survived by his wife of nearly 56 years, 8 children, 24 grandchildren, (some of whom are married/partnered), and 10 great-grandchildren. There could be more, it's easy to lose count! Needless to say, his life was abundant with hard work and love, and there is much to celebrate in memory of Robert Prissel.
Instead of attending the funeral I chose to stay home with Evelyn. My reasons for this were several, one being that less than a week after Grandpa Bob's funeral I had another funeral to attend (a frustratingly tragic death that I can't bear to think about), and I don't know if I could handle two funerals in a week. Two grieving families. Two dead bodies. Gah, I get choked up just thinking about it! I'll never survive a tragedy.
Anyway, my other main reason for staying home with Evelyn is that I didn't want her to attend because 1) I didn't want her to witness myself and everyone else crying. I didn't want her to feel sad for us, to worry about us. She's got plenty of time to feel sad later on, so I guess I felt I was protecting her. And 2) I didn't know how to explain the death. Her younger cousins (ages 2, 4, and 5), are being raised Catholic and were simply told that Grandpa is in heaven now, in a better place.
I would like to think that heaven exists, because, c'mon, wouldn't that be fucking awesome? Eternal life with the people you love? But I don't think that heaven exists, and I don't want to give Evelyn the easy answer if it's not something I believe. If she chooses to believe in heaven when she's older, of course, that's fine, but I feel very uncomfortable telling her what I would feel is a lie.
But then what do you say? This weekend the family is getting together in Wisconsin, including Evelyn (I won't be joining because I'm shooting a wedding in North Dakota), and yesterday we were talking about everyone she would see there. She's staying at her great-grandparents' house, and she said, "And great-grandma will be there... and great-grandpa..." and I had to tell her that he wouldn't be there. Of course she asked why and I told her because he died. She asked why and I said because he got old. She asked why and I said because that's what happens when you live a really really really really really really really long time (I don't want her to fear herself dying, or me or anyone else she knows dying.. I'm not sure if 3-year-olds are capable of that but she's so bright and intelligent that I wouldn't expect any less of her. I fear everyone dying so I'm probably projecting my own fears onto her. I don't want her to be so afraid and anxious like me). I quickly added, though, that she can still think about great-grandpa, that we have lots of memories about him, and we can remember him and his big glasses and his smile and his cane... the details she might remember.
The conversation made me second-guess my decision to not attend the funeral with her. Would it have been easier to explain death had she seen his body? Should I have given her the opportunity to see his body one more time? Thankfully, she saw him just days before he died, and I hope that if she does have memories of him when she's older that they're of him laughing, a twinkle in his eyes, because that's what he did best. He lived and he lived happily.
Read his obituary here. It does lessen my anxiety to think about the fact that when he was Evelyn's age the year was 1935. Life, in a way, is long. But still...
Also, I should clarify that this is Evelyn's dad's side of the family, so it's Jason's grandpa, not mine.
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| Grandpa Bob. this photo isn't mine so i'm not sure when it was taken, but probably in the past few months. |
First, I'm sorry for your loss. I just got a call last night from my mom that my grandma had a second, but thankfully mild, heart attack so this hits home as I've been thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteMy kids are fortunate enough that they have yet to have to deal with anyone dying, other than an uncle that they may have met once or twice. I'm in the same boat where I don't really know what to tell them since I don't believe in heaven, or afterlife.
As they are much older than Evelyn, outside sources such as school and such are already influencing what death and dying means to them and sometimes I don't know if I should counteract what others have told them or let them believe what they want. When they ask me if I "think Peppy (our cat who died in a fire a few years back) is in Heaven" I tell them that I don't necessarily believe in heaven, but that whereever she is, she's happy.
It's such a weird thing to deal with, death.
When I was little I would pray to my cat who was obviously in "pet heaven." :)
DeleteAs you know, I'm right there with you when it comes to death. It makes me uncomfortable, frightened, uneasy-- full blown anxiety. We are divided on religion in our household as well (I'm the only non-believer) and thus far, I have found ways to explain death to Eva by simply saying that no one truly knows what happens when you die because you aren't here anymore. Something happens that takes you out of this world and, it's up to you to listen to your heart about where you think your loved ones are.
ReplyDeleteEva witnessed her Grandma Marge die (she had a heart attack right in front of her and Garrett)- it was pretty tramatic. It has been almost 2 years and Eva still talks about it. But- she also says Grandma lives in her memories, so I think it helps soothe her to talk about her. (Eva also is torn on heaven and it does bring her comfort to think of those who passed are somewhere happy.)
We brought Eva to another funeral this passed weekend. She was okay. Evelyn is so wise in her 3 years, I think she can handle the full spectrum of human emotion. I can't see it hurting her in any way.
I'm trying to remember when I realized what it meant to die. I don't remember. My great-grandma died when I was young, maybe 5, but I don't think I full processed it. I think I thought she was in heaven. I remember thinking she was in heaven. I would talk to her. And my cat, haha.
DeleteI feel like you just typed out of my brain with your thoughts on death. Death is one of those things that sort of torments me at times. If I let myself think about it too much, I begin to irrationally fear that everyone I love is going to end up in some tragedy and be taken away from me before it's time. I have these tragic stories that play out in my head, these 'what if' scenarios, even when I'm not fully aware of my thoughts, and it drives me absolutely bonkers. I wish that I could come to peaceful terms with death, and I'm working on it, but ever since I 'lost my religion', it's been something I struggle with.
ReplyDeleteThe kids at work ask me sometimes what happens when you die. Their ages range from 3-10. I usually just tell them that I honestly don't know because I don't remember dying before, and I don't remember where I was before I was born. These kids are being brought up with the Hindu religion on their mom's side, and Christianity from their dad's side, but neither force anything on the kids. They want them to make up their own minds as to what they will believe when they're old enough. Sometimes when they ask me about death, I'll just ask them what they think happens instead. I think that children sometimes have a stronger connection to the spiritual world, and maybe they can give adults more insight into the afterlife (if there is one) than we think.
I think that's a great idea, to ask the kids what they think. Not only does it encourage them to think for themselves and explore their thoughts but it also shows them that their personal opinions are valued, which makes them feel good about themselves. I think that's the greatest thing you can give a child.
DeleteHi Sarah,
ReplyDeleteFirst off, I'm sorry for your loss. I have no real advice for you. However, I do know that in a short time, she won't remember anything about it. She's too young to remember the details for very long. Sadly, she's so young that she probably won't remember him at all within a few years. We have five adult kids and they don't have any memories of things that happened much before the age of five. No memories at all of ages three and four.
Anyway, sorry I couldn't help you much. Hang in there...
Thanks, Pat. I do wonder how much she'll remember later on... I remember my brother being born...not the details necessarily but the event itself, the emotions, the excitement... waiting at home with my dad, having ice cream..and I was only a little over 2! I hope Evelyn at least retains a general memory of her great-grandfather... like maybe she'll associate good feelings with him or something.
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