"I hate goodbyes!"

In about five hours from now I'll be getting ready to leave for the airport to catch a 5:40 flight to Newark, New Jersey and from there to Burlington, Vermont (and from there a shuttle to Montpelier).

I have mixed feelings about leaving for 11-12 days, but they're mostly on a positive note--I am so thankful to be able to be a full-time graduate student, studying the subject I am most passionate about, becoming a better writer, thinker, person... and I'm so grateful to have met so many amazing writers from around the country and the world, and for the opportunities to work with some amazing faculty.

So why is my stomach a twisted knot? Why have I not been able to eat dinner besides a few spoonfuls of noodles and clementine?

I think a lot of it has to do with the social aspect of residency at VCFA--living in the dorms again, being in close quarters, eating together, etc. SMALL TALK. MAKING CONVERSATION WITH OTHER HUMAN BEINGS. It's not a big deal but I get all anxious about it. But then when it happens it's fine. I make friends. But I was always shy, so shy that when I was young I'd follow my brother, who's two years younger than me, around the park and just be friends with whoever he was making friends with. Which was pretty much everybody, that social butterfly..... I'm older now and have gone through college, and, thankfully, don't need my brother to make friends for me (although sometimes I wish he still could!), but a bit of that anxiety always remains. I feel like I'm socially awkward but probably I'm not.

My stomach is also a little flip-floppy because it's hard to say good-bye! We dropped Evelyn off at my parents' earlier this evening, so I've already said good-bye to her, and she knows I'm leaving (I showed her Vermont on the globe), and she knows I'm in school and all that, and she'll be distracted and having fun when I'm gone, but it still hurts my heart a little to leave her. But I didn't cry this time! Not even when I got to the car. That's a big step!

It also hurt my heart to say good-bye to my brother, who is on leave from basic training but will head back to Fort Benning, Georgia, before I return from Vermont. I still can't believe how much he's grown up! In the Army now, a soldier...

And I'm counting on going to his graduation in February, but after that who knows where he'll go. Ah, my heart--it's a fistful of leaves shaking in the wind....

Got to think good thoughts, though. And laugh. Be. Strong.



This next scene was one of my and my brother's favorites--we'd rewind it over and over again, rolling on the floor with laughter.



I should go pack now...