strengths, weaknesses, neurosis, synesthesia, and more!

I don't know about you but around here June is always the busiest month. It's usually a good busy, full of birthdays and family gatherings, but it's also one of my favorite months so sometimes I wish it didn't pass quite so quickly. And, ironically, I finished up third semester a few weeks ago, so I don't even have school deadlines or a critical thesis to work on this month. But a week from tomorrow morning I head to Vermont for summer residency (and the beginning of my fourth and final semester of grad school!), and between now and then I have quite the to-do list, including an article to write, Evelyn's birthday party to prepare for (she turns three on Friday, and of course I'm baking her cake and four pizzas from scratch!), a wedding to photograph (that's a major thing!), client orders to fill and deliver, a family birthday party I have to at least make an appearance at, PACKING FOR VERMONT, and all of the other things I do during a normal week around here, like clean the house and mow the yard and pick up dog shit and get groceries and maybe MAYBE write at least a line or two of poetry? Maybe.

But, with enough caffeine, I should be able to manage it all mostly stress-free. Right now, anyway, that's how I feel ('cause I just downed two cups of fresh-ground French press coffee! Go me! I can do anything!).

During extra hectic times I've found that it's super important to make some time, at least a little time, for quiet introspective thinking. And so that's what I'm here to do. Inspired by my friend Azia's post on strengths and weaknesses, I thought it'd be a good idea to reflect on my own strengths and weaknesses, in hopes that I might maximize my strengths this week, while improving on my weaknesses...

So, let's start with the good stuff, right?

Five Strengths

1. Motivation. If I want something, I will do what it takes to get it. Ever since I was young I've felt that the world was at my fingertips, and I still feel that way, even after having Evelyn, an event that was totally unplanned and could be viewed as quite the "obstacle." It was an obstacle, and being pregnant for my junior year of college REALLY SUCKED. And having a newborn and driving three hours to school to attend classes for two days before driving three hours back home, every week for my senior year, while still trying to breastfeed for at least the first semester... yeah, that REALLY SUCKED TOO. But I was gonna get that degree and I was gonna get it on time. And I did. And in six months I'll have my MFA too! And I WILL have books of my poetry published, and I WILL travel the world extensively (two of my biggest goals). Most days I feel the only thing that can stop me from reaching my goals is death.

2. Intuition. I just know shit. Really, I do.

3. Synesthesia. Never heard of it? Well now you have! Last summer in Vermont I attended a lecture on creativity and the brain and realized that I have synesthesia, a neurological condition in which "the real information of one sense is accompanied by a perception in another sense. In addition to being involuntary, this additional perception is regarded by the synesthete as real, often outside the body, instead of imagined in the mind's eye" (read more here, or here, or just Google it). There are many different kinds of synesthesia, and some synesthetes can taste words or hear colors and other really cool stuff like that. My form of it has a lot to do with time.. for example, my days of the weeks are colored (Mondays are always yellow!) and when I think about time it's from right to left.. I also "see" sounds, which I've found is really difficult to explain to most people. Many synesthetes don't even know they are synesthetes because they've never experienced the world in any other way. And it's not like I ever went around asking people, "Hey, what shade of gray is your Saturday?" or "Is your June light blue, too?" I've actually been meaning to do a post on this since last summer, but I'll keep it short for now. I think it's a strength because it leads to an unconventional way of experiencing and thinking about the world. 


4. Writing. A pretty obvious answer but hey, Evelyn only naps for so long and remember that list of shit I have to do? Yeah. I don't even know how I came to be a writer, or, more specifically, a poet. I mean, I started my first journal when I was five but it's not like I was all "When I grow up I'm gonna be a poet! Yeah!" I was more like, "When I grow up I'm gonna be famous and have lots of money" or "When I grow up I'm gonna be a teacher like my mom..." But somehow here I am, a writer. A poet. And who knows? I might still be a teacher (of poetry, obviously), and maybe I'll even be a famous poet! The lots of money part probably not, but I'd be okay with two out of three, as long as I have enough money to travel the world. 


5. Liberal. I don't mean this in a political way but a humanistic way. I'm very open-minded and try not to be sheep-like, meaning I do everything I can to think for myself. I am also open-hearted, i.e. empathetic, so if you've got a sob story, come cry on my shoulder. I'll cry with you. And then MOTIVATE you (see #1), to do what you can to make yourself the best you can be (ha, this makes me think of the Army's motto: "Be Strong. Army Strong. Be all you can be." Or something like that.) And if it's something really terrible, like someone died, I will have no words to make you feel better but I will hold you all night. 


Aaand the not so good stuff.

Five Weaknesses

1. Neurotic. Now, I haven't actually been diagnosed with neurosis, but on some days I wouldn't be surprised if I was. I like to think I'm all calm and cool and collected and go with the flow yada yada yada, but some days I'm anxious as fuck. And sad. And anxious. And crabby. And anxious. And usually the only thing that helps is doing something exciting (like traveling or at least making plans to travel), or writing. I'm more likely to feel this way in the late afternoon/evening/night time, so a lot of times I just have to make it until bed time and in the morning I'm all better. Oh, and sunshine helps, A LOT. If it's rainy/cloudy for more than a couple days, I'm pretty much a nervous wreck. I haven't always been this way. Blame it on motherhood? Or war? One of the two. Maybe both.

2. Critical. This is the downside of being so super motivated--I'm also a perfectionist, sometimes, and can be very critical of both myself and others. Not good, not good...

3. Lack of ability to socialize. I can be very socially awkward. I hate small talk, and am therefore terrible at it, and am therefore silent when I should maybe say something to at least break the ice. But I don't know what to say! And then usually when I do say something the critical part of me says, "Sarah, that was so stupid. Just don't talk." Why do we have to talk anyway? Can't we just dance? I'm much better at dancing.

4. Impatience. I  am so impatient. I'm motivated, yes, but a lot of times if I want something I want it NOW. Instant gratification. Maybe it's a being-in-your-twenties thing? Probably not. Of course, if something requires time and work, I'm willing to put in that time and work, but that also makes me anxious (see number one), because what if I die before I'm able to put in all the time and work required?! (also, see number one).

5. Not easily satisfied. I can be momentarily satisfied, but then it's always to the next biggest and best thing. In some ways this might be a strength (see "motivation"), but it's also exhausting. Sometimes I just want to be happy! Don't we all?

If you stayed around long enough to read all of that, bravo! You deserve a cookie. And a stiff drink.